The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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