1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
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