Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
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