we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize