Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
