her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
oh god the rape fog is back!
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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