Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
She even gives head with a lisp.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
