clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
