i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
