For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
