And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
