Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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