John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
