Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
