She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
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