I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
