a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
