So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
