News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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