I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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