just come out here and I will go home with you...
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
