ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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