His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
