don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Randomize
