So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
