I wish I could punch you in the face.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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