I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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