We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
