my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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