I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
a search helicopter?!
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
