margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
