I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
