The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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