I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
