he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize