I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
