haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
