And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
