; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Randomize
