My Higher Power is John Stamos
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
