did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
