first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
