Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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