can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just found puke in my bra..
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
