is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize