Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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