I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
