She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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