those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
