ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
