I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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