I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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