fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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