i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
you win again, gameday.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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