I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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