apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
