I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
a search helicopter?!
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
