I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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