I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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