i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
