Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
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